I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
