Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
