i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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