I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
