Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
