i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
