you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
