I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Say something about gay babies.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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