she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
