I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
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