Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
there is glitter all over my balls
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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