Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
