Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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