We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Randomize
