the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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