Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
