Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
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