My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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