Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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