the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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