you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Randomize
