I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
