Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
