Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
