Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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