I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
