I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
