Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
