Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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