I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
