u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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