Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
