thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
