At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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