I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
