Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
