Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
