dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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