Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
