Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
one two three fourrrrnication!
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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