Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
