she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
