I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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