she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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