Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Randomize
