when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
