He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
