So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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