someone get that fucking seahorse.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Randomize
