She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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