im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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