Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Randomize
