It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
where does the pee come out of this thing
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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