i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
What drink are we having for lunch?
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
