I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
3pm strippers are depressing
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
