Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
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