kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
You have to summon your inner elephant
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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