Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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