I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
