i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
birth control should be required to get into college
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
