So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I need to align my fucking chakras
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
