1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
